Bullied.

WHY do you do it, do you know what it feels like? The clean, cold blade running through my soft skin feels better then what you do to ME. The way you torment and criticize is THIS what I’m living for? Day after day, never happy, NEVER FEELING… HUMAN. I’M never enough.

My hand clutches the gun, finger DANGEROUSLY close to the trigger, dangerously close to what you want. My SUFFERING. My pain, distress, sadness and agony. You say I’m appalling, abysmal, evil, sinful… nothing. NOTHING to loose and I pull. The bullet goes through me like the thoughts of you go through my mind… then nothing. I am AT PEACE.

MY EYES open and CLOSE slowly and I smile KNOWING you soon will be happy that I WILL BE no more then an empty form and a FULL casket. Tears fill my eyes as I go through the last OF YOUR PAIN.

THE END.

Me

Shy, blush, screaming on the inside, fighting you inside, cold on the outside, searing on the inside, slow, poor vocabulary, poor grammer, happy, smiling, loving, confused, different around one, myself around another, understanding, listening, small panic attacks, awkward but not, fake?, happy alone, happy with others, embarrassed, hugging, not hugging, hungry, disliked food, dislike grease, seeing, tired of writing tonight but can’t stop till morning, 11:11 I wished, hiding your secrets, hiding my secrets, can’t get away from the gossip because I …ask, spread, tell, hate gossip, school, don’t want to show you this, curious, procrastinating, eager, poem, I want to run, always thirsty, scared of April, cant wait for May, I care, worried about you, I like you, nothing, 5’8’’, music, painting, drama, judging, judged, cried, organized, him, fuck the game get out of my head, win the game?, right time?, right person?, does it matter?, college, university, family, love, animals, vegetarian, animal cruelty has made me cry, always changing, aspire for freedom, crave for peace…anywhere no matter how small, learning, meditating, dreams, I want you to be strong, heart beat, I’d like to be stronger, confident, thoughts, you make me feel good, this makes me feel bad, sleep, 11:39.

Purpose

Purpose

Ultimately means that we want to feel needed but as

Residents in this magnificent world do we really need a

Point to live and love

One another? Would our planet go down in

Shambles? In the

End does it matter?

Memory

Our memories do not go back in years

Nor months, nor weeks

But days and hours

We make memories every passing tick of the clock

No memory anyone else will hear or see

And without a doubt remember

None and all are breathtaking.

I Love You.

.......Dear:.......................Reader

.....Someone..................told me bad

.....News today. I........want to scream,

......embrace him and close his eyes so

.......he can see how amazing he really

.........is. I want to deafen him so he

............can hear how sweet he

.............always is. But most

...............of all I want to

.................hug him and

......................say….......................................I Love You.

I Caught You This Time.

We walked up the rusted latter, step by step

Step by step I worried about you jumping

You jumping is what you were thinking

You were thinking about your death

Your death would have made me think

Made me think if I would jump after

After would anyone else jump

Jump or fallen with motivation

Motivation can be easy if you have nothing to loose

You have nothing to loose you thought out loud

You thought out loud as I caught you in mid-flight.

If Your Life Was A Natural Disaster.

Physical Geography is a depressing course, we learn and eventually understand why a natural disaster has just killed someone. We learn about how being at certain places at certain times may not the best choice and these people that go there become our lab rats for further investigation. An investigation that most people in the class think is a joke.

When we think about a tornado, a mud slide or volcano you don’t really think about the people, what they were doing, what their last thoughts were or what they felt.

It makes you think, if you should die suddenly without notice would you be happy with what you did during you existence? Would you have regrets? Would you be scared to know where you are going or not going to go? Would you want people studying you in a classroom without them even knowing you existed? Would you want them to study you if they did?

ANGER.

I don’t often get angry or infuriated nor am I very hot-tempered; I think this has to do with my childhood. During my youth I was an extremely shy person this was most likely brought on by my mother. I was always petrified of angering her and in recent years I have realized what a bad atmosphere surrounds and angered person. This has inspired me to be a better individual, and to actually think for what reason I am angry. If everyone sat down and actually thought of why they are irritated I think the majority of the people would have a more positive outlook on life.

When a person is angry most of the time they are angry because they are not satisfied with what they have or with what a person has done. If we thought in depth about why we were so angry in the first place we usually feel bad for feeling that way. You start to think why can’t I be happy the way I am, with the things I already have or with the way that person acts. Would changing thoughs things really transform you life into something any better?

Remember that your feelings at any given moment can change a person forever. Wouldn’t it feel better to inspire and encourage someone then to make them feel insecure and miserable. In the end you have to influence other people by acting the way you want them to act towards you, this is the only way to change the world into a better place.

...

The mere thought of you confuses me at the moment, like pondering the purpose of the universe. You are too much for my mind to handle in one take therefor thinking about you scares me to great levels. When I'm with you it's almost like I am able to feel, able to feel sound and hear the stars rain down on me. But when I feel you it's different, it's like I have woken from a very long and foggy sleep to find there is happiness somewhere on earth around me.

The fakeness seems to disappear into the darkness of the music rooms we spend our spare waking hours in when I am with you. I am more aware of the fake people and lifestyles that are all around me but I start to understand them and understand how to stop them and stop myself. Unlike most people you do not make me feel pressured into this infectious fakeness. I can be who I am around you because I know you will accept me no matter what and I accept this as part of you.

Currently I do not know if we are or if I want to be anything more then content companions. We have a different relationship then usual people and i don't think many other people would understand but i think you would. It's almost like the exterior of our relationship is the physical one but the core of our bond is by far the most important. It seems by being physical with each other we are setting our standards very low and clouding our thoughts with chemical hormones when we try so hard to clear the sky that is our minds.

My conclusion is that there shouldn't be a conclusion to our lives and that we should live it the way it plays out. We are the actors in our own play and the only individuals in the audience that matter are us.