Bad Thoughts.

My body is burning again,
I don’t know why but I’m on fire.
These mental flames roll up my arms,
Slowly burning my skin until it flakes away.
I focus on anything good, all the good,
Maybe even you.
This blaze gradually is extinguished.
I whimper as I wipe the ashes from my body
But then smile because thoughts of you still linger.

Nobody Gives A Damn About Someone Who Doesn't Exist.

I quietly walk threw the hall with my head down trying not to raise any attention to myself. My hair covers my face and I do not smile; I am scared. Scared of people and this place. I go to the corner table of the lunchroom and I eat my lunch. All I can force down are a few crackers before I feel nauseous. The room starts to get crowded and I start to panic. I am getting clammy and hot and I’m breathing heavily. The football guys come and sit down next to me, mocking and laughing at me because they know that I will leave. I get up quickly and I got to the bathroom. I start to hyperventilate and I throw up. My head is pounding and I can’t think straight. Nothing makes sense and it’s so hot. My body is on fire and I don’t know what to do. My breathing slows a fraction, but the late bell rings and it’s right back up there. It’s going a million miles a minute.
I reach inside my backpack for my painkillers. I don’t know why I bought them this morning but at that very moment I knew exactly what to do with them. I opened the childproof lock with ease and proceeded to take the pills. One at a time then two at a time taking a sip of water after each. The bottle continues and, for once in my life I feel full but I am determined. The last one, I hold it in my hand and think, not about anything in particular. I’m just more aware of my surroundings. I start to panic again thinking about being found and “saved” but then I calm myself again knowing that nobody gives a damn about me and if they were smart they would leave me. My knees then collapsed and I sit there on the floor silent, eyes heavy. I smile as the pain slowly goes away being replaced by this strange numbness. I feel I cant keep it balanced any longer so I lay my head down on the cool tile floor. I feel like I’m in water floating away from reality and sooner or later I don’t feel anything and sooner or later I am dead.

My Life Has Burnt Out.

The noise is intoxicating
Slowly poisoning my brain
Until it cracks
Constant pain in my ears
I scream and gasp for air
I’m getting closed in and
I’m claustrophobic
Tears start to drip down my
Swollen face and I am beaten
Then kicked while I am down
They throw me to the ground
And kick me in the face
I feel the warm blood pool
In my mouth
They throw cruel insults and
Taunt me some more
Ribs make noise when I try to move
I know they are broken
I lie there isolated in the snow alone
It’s kind of peaceful in a way
Knowing that I will soon die
Even if rather slowly
I look up to the sky as the sun starts to rise
It’s like a new life has begun
As one soon burns out
I am happy as I lay in the cool snow
Happy as I’ve ever been
And now I’m dead.

!4 and M3.

14 people plus me, one class room.

Confused, not confused, intelligent, not so much.

Nothing stirs in the air.

We are something being nothing, getting told to be more.

More is pointless; let me be who I want to be.

We Are Suffering.

When did we change, change together as a group, as a teenage society. Why the fuck did we change when we knew perfect well that we were going to be miserable in doing so, our parents are an example of that. Conform. Conform. Conform! They shove it down our throats like candy, and we listen because we don’t know any better because mommy and daddy are perfect and we want to be just like them. We act just like them and complain about them about everyone because we don’t like the way we have become. Why cant we stop?! Lets go back to the way it was! We need to stop and think for one second in our lives, actually think! Why aren’t we happy?! Why do we feel horrible? Maybe it has to do with how we became like this. We live and breath this living infection in the very place that we should feel safe and comfortable, school. We learn it from them and from each other. Why are we here if that’s all we are going to learn? Why do I have to do this math if I’m not going to learn it? I’m not good at it and hell if I’m going to be anything to do with it in life. I know what I want to be. Does that bug you that I know what I want to be and I will be happy doing it because you are unhappy and don’t know what you want to be, don’t know what to do in your life. Memorize, test, memorize, test it’s the same old thing and I haven’t learned one damn thing since I got here. Why am I here? Is there a point in my presence in this creativity draining box of noise? I’ve been here so long I don’t know how to cope any longer, how do they do it? I guess they didn’t. And yet I stay here afraid of what is out there because of what they told me, if I don’t do this I wont make it out there. “This is a necessity in living.” Now that I think of it I do know how they cope, they complain. Complain about you, me, that over there, themselves, nothing, everything. They pick apart peoples lives because it makes them feel good, but not for long. That doesn’t always work so they pick apart some more and some more until there is no life in existence. I don’t want this! I want to change it.

We need to heal this wound the body if suffering.

Destination.

Birds fly over head.

Wind wiped and worn,

they find their destination

I cease to find mine,

unknown if I have one to fly to.

101 Reasons Why Jon Is Awesome.

Jon is awesome because he understands.

Jon is awesome because he listens.

Jon is awesome because he doesn’t judge people.

Jon is awesome because he has an opinion of his own.

Jon is awesome because he can be himself.

Jon is awesome because he is not self-conscious

Jon is awesome because he can talk to me for hours and be content.

Jon is awesome because he is a giraffe.

Jon is awesome because he is kind.

Jon is awesome because he is a n00basaurus.

Jon is awesome because he is helpful.

Jon is awesome because he has an amazing smile.

Jon is awesome because he says the most random sayings.

Jon is awesome because he is cute.

Jon is awesome because he is always smiling.

Jon is awesome because he is always happy.

Jon is awesome because he makes others happy.

Jon is awesome because he likes to read a lot.

Jon is awesome because he is on a spiritual journey.

Jon is awesome because he has a magnificent body.

Jon is awesome because he likes to write.

Jon is awesome because he flosses his teeth.

Jon is awesome because he eats healthy…most of the time.

Jon is awesome because he likes my rice and vegetables.

Jon is awesome because he makes our daily adventures amazing.

Jon is awesome because he has big feet.

Jon is awesome because he has big socks.

Jon is awesome because he meditates.

Jon is awesome because he wears purple boxers.

Jon is awesome because he likes to gender fuck.

Jon is awesome because he is always laughing.

Jon is awesome because he has nice eyes.

Jon is awesome because he has n00b glasses.

Jon is awesome because he is chill.

Jon is awesome because he makes funny jokes.

Jon is awesome because he always wants to hang out.

Jon is awesome because he likes bugs.

Jon is awesome because he has a nice ass.

Jon is awesome because he likes media studies.

Jon is awesome because he wants to help people.

Jon is awesome because he makes it that we are never bored.

Jon is awesome because he likes to drum.

Jon is awesome because he doesn’t let a cold bring him down.

Jon is awesome because he can be doing nothing and not complain.

Jon is awesome because he likes nature.

Jon is awesome because he is trying to be a vegetarian.

Jon is awesome because he likes cats.

Jon is awesome because he doesn’t start fights.

Jon is awesome because he has changed his life around.

Jon is awesome because he is nice to everyone.

Jon is awesome because he sings a lot.

Jon is awesome because he is wiener number three.

Jon is awesome because he likes feet when most people do not.

Jon is awesome because he likes wearing my bracelet.

Jon is awesome because he bites his lip.

Jon is awesome because he gets frisky.

Jon is awesome because he came to my house.

Jon is awesome because he likes my friends.

Jon is awesome because he has an earring.

Jon is awesome because he is a good kisser.

Jon is awesome because he reads military fantasies.

Jon is awesome because he compliments people.

Jon is awesome because he frosted flakes.

Jon is awesome because he has a nice chest.

Jon is awesome because he has metal on the back of his teeth.

Jon is awesome because he respects people.

Jon is awesome because he runs like a giraffe.

Jon is awesome because he doesn’t pressure anyone.

Jon is awesome because he likes to play jenga.

Jon is awesome because he plays soccer.

Jon is awesome because he sleeps in a sleeping bag.

Jon is awesome because he has nice nipples.

Jon is awesome because he has hairy legs.

Jon is awesome because he wants to live in the woods when he grows up.

Jon is awesome because he wears bright blue pants.

Jon is awesome because he has a lump on his head.

Jon is awesome because he has a HUGE vocabulary.

Jon is awesome because he doesn’t drink.

Jon is awesome because he wore my kilt on Halloween.

Jon is awesome because he is healthy at café.

Jon is awesome because he gives me super hugs.

Jon is awesome because he gives amazing massages.

Jon is awesome because he eats tofu.

Jon is awesome because he goes on nature walks.

Jon is awesome because he makes me smile every time I see him.

Jon is awesome because even though we try to do homework we end up talking.

Jon is awesome because he did an amazing job on his geography project. ;)

Jon is awesome because he has beautiful eyelashes.

Jon is awesome because he understood Men Who Stare at Goats.

Jon is awesome because he is not normal.

Jon is awesome because he likes Into the Wild.

Jon is awesome because he is a n00b at eating.

Jon is awesome because he always smells good

Jon is awesome because he joined pottery.

Jon is awesome because he doesn’t use shampoo.

Jon is awesome because he is near sighted.

Jon is awesome because he tried to teach me how to play the drums.

Jon is awesome because he makes hearts out of food.

Jon is awesome because he always takes 7+ pieces of fruit from the dining hall.

Jon is awesome because he likes nuts.

Jon is awesome because he is attractive.

Jon is awesome because his hair always sticks up.

Jon is awesome because he is awesome.

I Am Dead.

The blade turns red

I am excited.

Redder then last time

I am scared.

I hear my parents coming in

I am exhilarated.

They will feel the pain I went through

I am spiteful.

I see the horror in their eyes

I am grateful.

I can feel the life streaming out of me

I am peaceful.

I can feel nothing

I am dead.

Two Birds.

I am like an invisible being

that is not in fact invisible.

I am chosen not to be seen

by others.

Though I cant roam the world free,

they choose to see that,

to see my freedom taken away.

I so long to be able to fly away unseen,

maybe with you.

Lets disappear right now

spread our wings and fly!

I’m willing to the risks,

As long as you are ready.

Captured.

Captured for my wrong doings

Punished a trilogy

Trying to conquer these emotions.

It seems so unjust

But I can’t complain

It was my defect, my imperfection

that landed me here.

Do they expect too much from me?

Or do I expect to little from myself?

This is my journey towards nothing,

And I am content.

Nothing that is Everything.

My body is floating, like a weightless mass. Slow motion perhaps. I see things... actually see things, things that I see every day but don’t notice? The wind blows like an invisible cloak of feeling catching oak leaves and take them on an unknown journey threw a square and wiggly world. How did I not see the beauty of this world before, maybe I just forgot to look. Forgot to, be.

The Beginning Of April.

I started as a thought, then an action derived from this thought, or maybe no thought at all just pure spontaneous behaviour. Behaviour that some may call immoral or sinful before marriage but that’s besides the point because they didn’t care about that. All they cared about was being free from parents, living life and having a good time and I don’t blame them, it sounds a good way to live. Then I was found out to be not so far away in the future, the ticking time bomb of their relationship. How many tears were shed or raging arguments started because of me.

lost.

You can’t choose, it’s all crashing down on you. I’m trying to save you but I make it worse. I try to grab your hand but you slip away. My fakeness is contagious. You don’t know what to do. You are speechless, full of unknown emotion.

Where are you going, are you going too far? Is there a reason why people act the same. Is this the reason. For fear of falling deep in this hole of unkown. Yes? No? Who cares? Do I care? I? Who am I? April. What is April? Me? A month? Anything? Just a word?

I can sense there is something wrong. You are silent, fake smile, back away, fear, judgment? I wont judge you, I’m just worried. Don’t be worried? How can’t I? Look at you, you aren’t right. SNAP OUT OF IT PLEASE! You’re scaring me. Where did you go? Are you coming back? PLEASE tell me, let me in, let somebody in. Let us help you. Let me try! Don’t fight this war by yourself. We all want peace.

OCT 31/09

Beginning, start where did you go? Did you leave with him? Do you know how to get back? Leave a bread crumb trail. Reach out and grab my hand, only if you want to though. Leave if you want. Remember me if you want, and only if.

Are you too far in now? Can you breathe? I CAN’T SEE YOU! You are falling away. Be happy. Please stay well. Don’t give in to THAT. PLEASE! I hope you aren’t drowning again. Or is that what you want? To FLY? Jump? Not feel anything. Is it me? You? Them? You are falling I think. Don’t make me fall too.I don’t want to go with you there. NOT AGAIN! I know what it’s like, I don’t like it. Maybe you do. I don’t know. Do I know anything? What’s wrong? What’s wrong with me? That is the ego ME, I Damn ego. I can’t tell you apart. Something is angry. Too angry! Something is sad. something is worried, something wants to be happy. I don’t want to drink. NEVER AGAIN. I WANT TO PROMISE YOU THAT. I WILL NEVER DRINK AGAIN! I don’t want that feeling ever. I don’t want anyone to have that feeling. Am I well?

Calming. <3